Beyond Help
by Peggy Haymes, Pinnacle Associate
She was doing what came naturally to her.
A Licensed Clinical Social Worker, my friend jumped at the chance to attend a life, Death and Transition workshop held by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. She figured she’d learn more about how to help dying patients and the people who cared for them.
Once there she befriended a young girl who was there because she was dying. My friend was both attentive and supportive of this girl, so I don't know what she thought when Elisabeth pointed her out.
“You see this woman right here?” Elisabeth asked the group of roughly 100 people, pointing directly at my friend. Who knew? Perhaps she was being singled out for her exceptional caregiving.
“You see this woman right here? She’s arrogant. She’s arrogant because she thinks that she can help everybody but nobody can help her.”
My friend was shocked, but on some level she knew Elisabeth was right. She was always the one taking care of others. She began, with that very workshop, to be someone who allowed help for herself.
It’s a temptation not limited to social workers. It’s available for anyone in a helping profession. It can be particularly difficult for clergy because after all, do we not trust God to be our help? No matter how strong or fragile our faith, there are times when we need to allow others to help us. Here are some possible avenues for help.
Therapy/Counseling - A good therapist can help you grieve whatever losses are sitting on your shoulders. They can help heal a poor self image that keeps us needing to please everyone. They can help you identify old scripts from childhood (like being the good boy who takes care of everybody or the good girl who never complains) that don't work for your adult self.
A common fear is someone seeing you go into therapy. We can have another conversation as to why that shouldn't be an issue, but for now know the pandemic has made that to be less of a factor. Many therapists offer online sessions, and they can be located anywhere in your state. If it isn’t covered by your insurance (or you have a high deductible), some therapists offer a sliding scale or a certain number of reduced fee slots. Ask if you need it.
Coaching - A good coach can help you identify dysfunctional patterns, whether in your church or in your ministry. They can help you identify what your next steps need to be, and provide accountability for taking them. They can help you listen to your heart. Some denominations offer grants for clergy coaching and some ministers are able to use money from their professional development budget to pay for it. If you’re willing to invest in coaching but finances are a concern, ask. There may be a way to structure it so that it works both for your coach and for you. At Pinnacle, we have a variety of well trained coaches who can work with you.
Peer groups - Early in my ministry I was in an informal peer group of clergy women who met monthly. It came about because a couple of women decided they wanted it, and asked a couple of women whom they knew, and those women also knew someone… and before you knew it, we had a group. It was a great source of support.
Some of my friends meet every summer for “Preacher Camp,” where they do sermon planning for the entire year. The years of doing this together have knit tight and supportive bonds between them.
At Pinnacle, we have Clergy Collective groups that form around common work; for example, pastors with staff, solo pastors, denominational executives, etc. Over nine months these groups meet monthly for learning and support. (They’re gearing up now, so reach out now if you’re interested.)
As clergy, we are not beyond needing help. In fact, the demands of ministry dictate that we cannot do it alone.