Maturity Achieved

by Steve Roper

For thirty-three years, I had the opportunity to work and minister on the University campus. Hardly a day went by that did not have me sitting across a desk, in a coffee shop or around a table among some of the brightest young students, faculty, or staff. No matter their accomplishments, it was not unusual for our conversation to eventually find its way to a decision or circumstance about which they were unsure. I discovered in those moments that all of us are bound together as much by our uncertainties as by our certainties. “I don’t know what to do,” is not an unfamiliar phrase to any of us. I will even confess to a certain personal distrust of anyone who has all the answers, all the time.

Often, as we began to probe and examine together the issue(s) they brought to our conversation, we discovered a deeper truth to their story. It was seldom that they didn’t know what to do. They didn’t always like the choices with which they were faced but many knew instinctively what those choices were. The unspoken issue they often, sincerely, could not comprehend was “How… did I get here?” When you think you have everything well handled, it can be quite a shock when reality instructs you otherwise. In our perfect worlds, the tensions of life are things that overwhelm others but not us.

The reality is that all of us live our lives at the nexus of various tensions. It is a false hope to think we can simply escape life tensions. Tension is created by forces in our lives, some chosen and some not, that follow divergent paths all the while exerting their influence upon us. The tensions may exist in our lives over a long period of time but only become a problem when we begin to feel their divergence in our everyday. Places of tension may also be natural points of decision. Tension isn’t unnatural or always negative but when ignored or unmanaged has the potential to create problems for us, sometimes needlessly.

American reformed Rabbi, Joshua Liebman, even went so far as to say, “Maturity is achieved when a person accepts life as full of tension.” I, like so many of those bright, capable people in my past, seldom stumble in the resolution of a difficulty, once realized. Rather, my struggle is in realizing the divergent forces that created the tension in the first place; that are influencing the trajectory of my living; have been ignored until I find them unmanageable. Just because I don’t see my difficulties coming doesn’t mean there haven’t often been signs for me to observe.

So….rather than live a life that goes from surprise to surprise… what can we do? The answers to that question may be unique to you. However, a couple of pointers may provide benefit to most anyone:

1. Learn to reflect and question. Whether 5 minutes or 5 years before, it is helpful to think through issues before you are placed in a point of decision. It may not make difficult decisions or issues less difficult, but it may make them less overwhelming. This is one of the benefits of Coaching. A trained and sensitive coach will help you ask questions that need to be asked without standing in judgment of your answers.

2. Learn to examine critically the things creating tension within your life. For instance, you may immediately assume your job is what is creating tension for you. Examined critically, however, you may discover that you love your job but rather one aspect or function of your job is the actual issue for you. This is important as you navigate your way forward in a healthy, productive way, seeking to respond proportionately.

3. Invest in yourself. Living in a place of tension is a part of living. The internal structures we put in place spiritually, emotionally, and physically will determine our resilience and influence our ability to take healthy steps forward. Then… get on with living.