Improve Your Funeral Leadership by Asking One Question

by Ronald “Dee” Vaughan

You captured mom’s spirit in that service, pastor.

I never met the deceased, but I feel I know him now.

That service was truly a celebration of my friend’s life.

Ministers appreciate this kind of feedback after leading funeral services. Funerals are not our favorite thing to do, but they offer one of our best opportunities to make a positive difference at a critical moment in a family’s life. The minister has the holy privilege and heavy responsibility of leading a family in discerning and expressing the meaning of a loved one’s life. That’s no small deal.

You’ve probably attended funeral services at which the person remembered seemed to be very present in what was said and done. If you’re like me, you’ve also endured a few services at which the guest of honor never showed up and you left knowing nothing more about the person’s life and its meaning than you did before the service. What makes the difference?

What informs and inspires the minister to lead an authentic celebration of a person’s life is a conversation with the bereaved family built upon asking one very important question. I usually ask it in these words:

“Imagine that I’m a close friend with whom you feel free to share your heart. I never met your loved one but I want to support you in your grief. So, I ask you, ‘Help me know your loved one. Let me look through your eyes.’ What would you tell me? What qualities would you celebrate? What memories would you share?”

Most often, when I voice this question, all I need to do for the rest of our time together is listen closely, take good notes, and offer occasional feedback to ensure the family that I’m hearing what they are saying accurately. The answers I receive to that question accomplish two wonderful things. First, inviting the family to give voice to what they will remember and cherish about their loved one creates a holy ground experience that begins the process of healing. The family may have no other time when they share as personally and intentionally with each other about the meaning and impact of their loved one’s life. Sometimes, this time of sharing is the holiest moment I share with a grieving family. Second, the thoughts and feelings of the family give the minister the many colors of experiential thread he or she needs to weave a service that is personal and authentic.

One of my colleagues pulled me aside after a funeral service and said, “I know it’s kind of a sucky thing to be good at, but you do this well.” Intentionally asking that key question and letting the answer guide our planning can help all of us do well at a critical moment in a family’s spiritual journey.