Do We As the Church Have a Grief Problem?
by Marci Wilson-Boggs
This past year has been filled to overflowing with illness, grief, loss and extreme frustration on a global level. In my personal church, we recently lost two parish musicians suddenly in death and it has been heartbreakingly felt throughout our entire community.
How should we as Christ followers respond to all the overwhelming death and sadness? One important way we can be helpful is to remember and remind our congregations that God is not shocked or disappointed with us, but is acquainted with our grief, and we must allow and encourage generous space and time for our lamentations.
There is a grave danger in equating our concept of having faith with our ability to “keep our chin up,” through the pain or trial. Those who would imply that to grieve and feel sad are somehow lacking faith in God are adding insult to injury. Here are a few points to consider as we grow through 2021:
Remember the Beauty of Broken Things
In Lillian Daniel's book, Tired of Apologizing for a Church I Don't Belong To, she addresses brokenness with a great example. She states, “On the Sunday mornings when I preside at the communion table, I tell the congregation that our salvation lies in God's broken body. But in real life, as I lead a complex organization, I am not so different from any other leader. I fall prey to the same pressures, and the same ambitions. I want my church to be perfect.” The tragic beauty of the broken body of Christ should remind us that we are not flawless, nor will we ever be in this life. God's love is not conditional, and our brokenness is our humanity.
Loss of Faith or Anger with God is Not So Unusual
At times it can feel very isolating to realize that we may have anger or resentment with God or our church during times of pain or loss. But in fact, loss of faith is a subject that is specifically addressed in The Grief Recovery Handbook, a classic text used by many grief counselors written by John W. James and Russell Friedman. They mention that, “...many people feel angry at God, especially when something bad has happened to them or to someone important to them. You may be angry at God, but you might be uncomfortable with that feeling.” Some churches over the years have disagreed with the idea of “forgiving God.” If God is perfect, why should we forgive? Is that arrogant? “The error must be ours,” is the thinking. However, without forgiveness, trust can never truly be rebuilt. The importance of forgiveness and release is to regain a sense of completeness and find peace after the experience. This is not a simple process, but it is a very valuable one. We must forgive God, forgive ourselves and forgive each other on the path to healing and wholeness.
Holding Space is Key
Perhaps you have heard of the phrase recently of “holding space.” In her book, The Art of Holding Space, Heather Plett describes it eloquently. She says, “What does it mean to hold space for someone else? It means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control.” In my own experience, I have learned there are times to simply be silent and supportive, when being there is most important. It is not the time to find the so-called “right words” to justify, explain or inadvertently trivialize the experience of another individual. Just be there.
The Lord knows our hearts. Sometimes there are no words, and that's completely okay.
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Lillian Daniels, https://www.lilliandaniel.com/books.html
John W. James and Russell Friedman, www.griefrecoverymethod.com/about-us
Heather Plett, https://centreforholdingspace.com/the-art-of-holding-space/