Hearing Criticism without the Background Noise

by Ronald “Dee” Vaughan

I’ve lived long enough (or listened to enough loud music) to develop tinnitus. I hear a high ringing sound in the background of everything else I hear. Much of the time, I can ignore the background buzz, but sometimes that noise gets in the way of me hearing things I need to hear clearly. Dinner conversation in a crowded restaurant is hard to hear. So is a soft voice expressing a spiritual commitment at the end of the worship service while the congregation sings. Hearing aids could reduce the ringing I hear and its interference with other sounds, but, sadly, I also suffer from a severe case of vanity.

I share my experience with tinnitus because I believe it parallels a common leadership experience. Leaders hear criticism. That experience is tough in itself. But what makes hearing criticism clearly and responding to it redemptively so difficult is the cacophony of background noise we often hear when we are criticized. Take this brief criticism hearing test.

When you hear criticism, what stories do you hear in the background?

Criticism stirs feelings in the hearer. Feelings look for other experiences that stimulated the same feeling. So, when you hear criticism, you may, in the background of your mind, hear stories of other times you were criticized. If you can’t distinguish the message you’re hearing now from the replay of past experiences, you may not hear your critic correctly or respond appropriately. Stories that pop up again and again when you receive criticism are doing so because you haven’t worked through them to some sense of resolution. When criticism comes, our minds are like a church business meeting in which the moderator asks, “Is there any unfinished business we need to address?” Your unfinished business and mine will speak up to cloud and complicate the matter of the present moment. Seeking healing for past hurts will soften those competing voices and free our ears to hear today’s feedback for what it is.

Do you hear criticism as an opinion or a judgement?

A pastoral counselor friend of mine offered me this helpful word of advice: “Catch arrows with your shield, not your heart.” When criticism comes, don’t receive it as some infallible verdict about your worth as a person or your competence as a leader. Keep the message at arm’s length until you have time and space to discern that critical message’s motive and value. Some criticism contains a lesson to be learned. Learn the lesson and live more abundantly. But remember that you have the right to veto inaccurate criticism instead of taking it too seriously or personally. You decide what you make of criticism. Don’t let your critic do it for you.

I told a friend that I was angry about the feedback I’d received during a quarterly evaluation in my clinical pastoral education residency. He wasn’t nearly as concerned about what I’d heard from my superiors as he was about the fact that their words had so upset me. He looked across the hospital cafeteria table at me and asked, “Do you know what’s wrong with you, Vaughan?” I replied, “No, but I think I’m about to find out!” He said, with great insight, “You put a judge’s robe on everyone you meet. Not every person in your life has the right to render a decision about who you are as a person. Take what people say as information, not some final judgment. Keep what’s helpful and forget the rest.” Ministers often put judge’s robes on people who aren’t qualified to render a verdict about their worth or abilities. Take criticism as someone’s opinion from which you can separate the wheat from the chaff, not a judge’s binding verdict.

Are you actually hearing the pain of a deeper hurt?

A man who acted friendly to me on most occasions went ballistic in a church business meeting, accusing me and others of stacking a key committee with members of an extended family, which happened not to be his own. I was taken back by his behavior and asked to meet with him in my office that evening. He stormed in, as blustery as he’d been that morning, and spoke to me in an angry accusative tone until I drew a line and said, “I can see you’re upset, but I’m not going to be spoken to in that tone of voice.” He stomped out of my office and out of the church’s life for a number of weeks. While he was gone, this man’s brother told me that his angry brother was always an “also ran” among the boys of the family. An older brother could do nothing wrong while this man could never seem to do anything right in his father’s eyes. He never received his father’s blessing and had let that deficit define many aspects of his life. Upon hearing this story, my attitude toward my critic changed from confused outrage to informed compassion. This man’s outburst in church conference and in my office may, in his heart, have been directed to his long-deceased disapproving father.

Criticism will come, but it won’t be as loud if you can separate it from the background noise you may also be hearing. Separate the message of the moment from the unresolved messages of the past. Receive what is offered as an opinion to be explored and evaluated, not a grade on your life or your ministry. Reserve the judge’s robes for a few precious people. And listen for the echoes of your critic’s past hurts that may ring out in the present moment.

Ronald D. Vaughan

January 24, 2025