The Continual Importance of Pastoral Boundaries

by Mark Tidsworth, Founder and Team Leader

Plenty of lay people get uncomfortable when hearing the phrase, “pastoral boundaries,” wondering if their pastor doesn’t much like them. I could see how that happens. Acknowledging that clergy need healthy boundaries in order to practice healthy ministry seems to infer lay persons are ravenous beasts, eager to eat clergy alive for breakfast. No one, who’s even slightly healthy, likes to be perceived as this kind of beast.

So, for clergy, the boundaries conversation is mostly insider talk. And, this leads me to my first point regarding pastoral boundaries.

Nobody, nor the system itself, will do this for you.

My first calling was to serve as a pastor, then a new church developer. My second calling was to become a marriage and family therapist, the vocation wherein I learned about dual relationships. In that master’s degree, we learned about the clear lines of separation between therapist and client, clearly supported by a code of ethics and legalities. Liability insurance was also in place for when therapists made boundary mistakes or were accused of doing so.

While serving as a therapist, I also engaged in pastoral ministry, with a front row seat for observing the differences between these two “professions,” so to speak. One included a code of ethics, regular boundary training, and liability insurance in case of problems. The other (ministry) included some suggestions… and that’s about it. Now, there is boundary training for clergy, with some denominations requiring this. Still, clergy are largely left to their own devices for managing boundaries.

This is the bottom line – no one can give you healthy boundary ministry practice, nor is anyone likely to try. Church systems themselves rarely offer this to clergy, while they are in fact tilted toward skewed boundaries leading to workaholism and over-functioning. This isn’t like being a therapist or medical doctor where ethical guidelines and legal boundaries are inherent in the system. If you are going to develop healthy boundaries, personal initiative is required.

Practicing healthy boundaries requires a solid, healthy sense of self.

Since boundaries are not inherent in pastoral ministry contexts (mostly), ministers themselves must develop healthy boundary practice skills. The best way to get there is to develop a healthy self.

Poor boundaries grow from the brokenness that plagues humankind. We are too needy, want too much affirmation, try to help too much, or believe we are entitled. All of these ego defenses grow out of our incompleteness as people. Thus, becoming more emotionally mature is directly related to proficiency with boundaries. To develop healthy boundaries, do the work, the personal work of maturity. Most savvy clergy are in ongoing professional relationships with either coaches, therapists, or mentors, helping themselves grow and remain centered in the swirl of ministry.

The healthy practice of boundaries by clergy comes from within, from the internal muscles empowering one to say yes or no as needed. Strengthening these muscles comes from doing the personal work that lowers our defense mechanisms while empowering our authentic and true voices.

Practicing healthy boundaries requires practice.

Now, seminaries mostly do well in teaching their students about boundaries. Students graduate, enter church leadership, and start putting boundaries in place. But living into healthy boundaries takes practice. Early on, most clergy are either too rigid or too loose with their boundaries. Through the practice of ministry, getting burned several times, clergy learn and grow in their understandings of what boundaries mean.

I can’t tell you how often I hear middle-aged and older clergy complaining about the rigid boundaries of their younger peers. Younger clergy too often describe those of a certain generation as workaholics with no personal lives. From where I sit, there’s truth in both perspectives. I hope the swinging pendulum can settle toward the middle by now, with clergy living into more sustainable rhythms of life.

So how are you and boundaries these days? Where are you in your personal and professional development leading to healthy boundary practice? Church leaders, including lay leaders, do well to address this issue. Effective boundaries not only build sustainability for clergy, they also open the door to experiencing the extremely rewarding nature of this calling. May we be effective stewards of the selves God has given as we go.