The Shaming Shoulds of Grief
by Peggy Haymes, Pinnacle Associate
It’s a small word, really.
Grief.
Yet, it carries with it a thousand variations. It can be longing for a time that was and will not be again. It can be a soft whisper of a loss that doesn’t upend our days but leaves us with a little less brightness, like the ending of groups where we found laughter or support or both.
It can be a punch to the gut that leaves us breathless, on our knees. It can be the unexpected visitor creeping back in when we least expect it.
In addition to the weight of their grief the folks whom you serve may be carrying a helping of shame as well.
People feel shame for not “doing grief right.” I’ve talked with more than one person who is afraid they are flunking grief because they are: a) not following some progression that doesn't exist; b) not following a timeline that doesn’t exist; c) not trusting Jesus enough (because they have sadness and/or faith questions); d) they weren’t able to do things the “right way,” for a “good death;” e) they have mixed feelings; or f) some or all of the above.
Shame thrives in secrecy. You may never know that some of the people whom you serve are carrying such burdens because they are too ashamed to admit they feel such shame. Sometimes they’re the very people whom you’d never guess felt that way.
So, what’s a minister to do?
Educational programs that help people better understand the dynamics of grief can be helpful. They can be part of programs about planning for funerals and death, or programs about the hard decisions we face. They can focus on what it means to grieve as people of faith.
(Navigating GriefLand from Pinnacle is an 8 week group that provides both support and education.)
Permission giving from the pulpit can also be powerful. In the course of your preaching you can reassure people that:
Sometimes forgiveness means forgiving ourselves for doing the best we could in a hard situation.
Having questions about faith doesn’t mean not having faith.
Psalms of lament reflect the honesty of our feelings and cries.
Our grief is measured not by some external standard but by the measure of the depth of our heart connection.
The grief journey, like our faith journey, is uneven and unpredictable.
In ways large and small, grief is a part of everyday life. As ministers, we can help our congregations embrace their own grief without the shaming shoulds.