Permission to Struggle

by Peggy Haymes, Pinnacle Associate

They may not be on your radar.

You’re aware of the people in your church who've lost loved ones in the past year. You may be sending them a note or giving them a call. You may be inviting them to a longest night service.

Focused on them, you may miss other people who are also deeply struggling – the one for whom this is the second holiday season without their loved ones.

Over and over again I talk to people who are surprised by how hard the grief is this second time around.

The first holiday season without a loved one, people prepare for it. Friends reach out to them. They may work with a therapist to figure out how to get through the holiday. Their family may plan to do something entirely different or keep everything the same; regardless, they are acutely aware of the empty place among them. They prepare for it. When it’s over, they breathe a sigh of relief that they got through that one.

Then comes the second year.

The second year is when it gets real. The second year is when they realize last year wasn’t an aberration. For the rest of their lives their holiday will be different. Their challenge isn’t just getting through a season but getting through all of the years to come.

Paradoxically, the fact that it is difficult makes it harder. Over and over again I meet people who are secretly afraid they are flunking grief, that they are somehow doing it wrong.

When the holidays roll around and they’re struggling, they assume they messed up their grieving. If they’d done it right, this wouldn’t be so hard.

It’s not true, of course.

In this season, reach out to those whose grief is fresh. Also reach out to those who have gotten through that first year.

In your writing and in your speaking, normalize the fact that the second year can be hard as well.

There’s a good chance someone in your congregation needs permission to struggle.