Never Call Them Bullies
by Mark Tidsworth, Founder and Team Leader
Since they are us.
Yes, there is bullying behavior. Consciously or unconsciously, some people in churches push others around, trying to get their way. Over the course of their lives, this is how they learned to navigate life on planet earth. They bring their approach to church with them, using body language, voice volume, and tone to intimidate others. Clearly bullying behavior has served their purposes in the past, reinforced by goal accomplishment. Clearly bullying behavior is contrary to the Way of Jesus, contrary to the norms and patterns we are working to establish in our churches.
Though bullying behavior is ever so real….
Never call them bullies since they are us. We are complicit. In order for bullying behavior to exist, it’s complimentary behavior(s) must exist. These include:
Ineffective leadership
Passivity
Silence
Confusion
Inertia
When leaders don’t function or do so ineffectively, leadership vacuums are created, into which those with bullying tendencies readily insert themselves. When churches are unclear about purpose and mission, someone will step up, giving the system purpose, though often misguided and authoritarian. When inertia or passivity exists, their compliment may be over-functioning by others… or bullying behavior.
For bullying behavior to exist, its less obvious complimentary dynamics must exist. Which comes first, bullying or passivity? Good question, but it doesn’t really matter. Those practicing passivity or ineffective leadership or silence are complicit, cultivating the necessary conditions for bullying behavior to exist.
Often people describe the yen to the yang of bullying behavior as the behaviors of the silent majority. Most people in churches are not looking for a fight. They are looking for a little peace in their lives, or interested in improving their communities, or looking for enlightenment through the gospel. They didn’t sign on to engage other people in interpersonal growth and transformation.
In other words, the silent majority may not recognize they ARE the body of Christ, intricately interconnected with each other as limbs of the same body. Being a part of a church means becoming functional body parts, engaging one another as if our lives depended on it (since they do). Our physical bodies are an integrated whole, each part dependent on the other.
Never call them bullies because labeling people lowers the likelihood of gospel-transformation. Labeling people, categorizing them according to the way they behave, lowers growth and change possibility. It’s very difficult to change one’s identity. When one is labeled a bully, when one IS a bully, then change is very difficult to achieve. When one sometimes plays the bully, that one can change behavior anytime. I’ve seen it happen… people abandoning bullying behavior when it’s clear it doesn’t serve them well in a certain context (church). Never call them bullies since the transformational gospel is for them, too.
Lastly, never call them bullies since we may be silently asking them to do what we want done, but don’t have the courage to do. Perhaps we would rather not face our inability or unwillingness to address issues in our church. Conflict averse we are, indirectly asking those with bullying behaviors to do what needs doing. When bullying behavior begins, with those watching remaining passive, it’s likely they are in agreement with the bullying outcomes, though not with the methodology. Relational systems are famous for unconsciously tasking aggressive people with expressing the group’s anger. Sincere, yet conflict averse disciples often find others to express their anger directly, allowing them to avoid speaking the truth in love.
Never call them bullies, since bullying behavior cannot exist without our cooperation.