Finding the Blessing in Your Struggle — “Don’t Let Go Before Dawn”
by Ronald “Dee” Vaughan
A high school friend and I would rush to the city park’s tennis courts after school or work and play as the sun set and the light slowly faded. Our match would continue until one of us confessed, “I can’t see the ball in this darkness.” That’s the way depression slipped into my life. I knew the light was fading from my enjoyment of life and hopefulness for the future, but I didn’t do anything about it until I realized my life was too dark to see the ball, much less take a swing at doing anything to change it.
In the darkness of depression, I found a place to hold on. The story of Jacob wrestling with his attacker at the Jabbok River offered me a spiritual framework for understanding and expressing my depression experience. The truths revealed by that story also gave me glimpses of the stars that could guide my journey toward renewed health. I was drawn to that story through a memory, my recollection of a framed picture on a ministry colleague’s wall. That picture was a woodcut image of Jacob wrestling with his mysterious foe. My friend told me that he displayed it in his office because many of the people who came to him for counseling were wrestling with something, and sometimes discovered they were wrestling with God.
What that story helped me discover was a reason to persevere. I was, quite literally, tempted to give up on life. Jacob’s first gift to me was the example of a man who, though facing a formidable foe in the frightening darkness, persisted in the battle. He believed that his life was worth fighting to keep. Witnessing his perseverance through the biblical story bolstered my own courage to fight on though my enemy was strong and the night was dark. But Jacob offered me an even greater gift, a redemptive purpose for persisting in my struggle. As the sun began to rise and Jacob’s attacker asked to be released, Jacob refused. He spelled out his terms for letting go. “I will not let you go unless you bless me,” (Genesis 32:26). As exhausted as Jacob was from his night of struggle and as tempted as he must have been to end the fight for any reason, he saw that his battle offered him a rare and precious opportunity. He would hold on until he received a blessing from his enemy. He was determined to be better because of what he had endured.
Jacob offered me hope that I could not only survive my depression, but also be better for it. Finding that blessing would require me to hold on to my struggle a while longer, the time needed to learn from it and build a better life upon it. My struggle exposed some of my weaknesses, just as Jacob learned that he was vulnerable at the hip. And, just as Jacob received a new name from his attacker, my depression also changed my name, my true identity, my understanding of who I am and what my life means.
“Don’t let go before dawn,” became a life mantra for me and a gift I try to offer every struggler who seeks my help. This brief article gives you a thumbnail glimpse of Jacob’s story and mine. You can see how Jacob’s story shaped my life in much greater detail through a book I’ve written about Jacob’s night of struggle and my own. Don’t Let Go Before Dawn: Finding the Blessing in Your Struggle is my testimony, my spiritual journal of my darkest night and the dawning of a new day.
One of the first prayers I could offer with any sincerity during my depression was “God, if I survive this, please don’t let me waste it.” If what I’ve shared in this article and, in a fuller way, in my book helps you get through your own dark night, then my prayer will be answered.