Navigating Life with Aging Parents
by Robin Sandbothe
If you are fortunate enough to have parents who live long lives, you find it’s true what they say about family relationship role reversals. I don’t remember how old I was when I first began asking my parents questions like, “How did you get that bowl from the top shelf? You didn’t use the stepladder again, did you?” and “Did you take your morning pills today?” and, “What did your post on Facebook mean exactly?” It just gradually dawned on me that I was now parenting my parents, and they liked it about as much as I did when I entered my teen years!
Next came the decision about whether or not they should be driving. Fortunately, both decided that time had come before keys had to be taken away. Then, after a fall and slow recovery from a broken hip for Mom and a cancer diagnosis for Dad, I began taking care of my parents’ finances. In the last several weeks my brothers and I have had to help our parents move from their home of over 45 years into assisted living. That move has necessitated cleaning out that home and readying it for sale.
Other questions arose. Will there be enough money to provide for their care for the remaining years that they have? Are all the necessary legal papers in place to make decisions – healthcare, financial, and otherwise – when they are no longer able to do so? Are end of life arrangements all taken care of, including funeral arrangements and beneficiary information?
Not until I began dealing with all of these issues myself, did I become aware of how many of my clergy friends were in similar situations. Some had made space for a parent to live with them in their home. Others were helping a parent maintain as much independence at their own home as possible. Still others were spending as much time as they could with a parent on hospice and wondering if each visit would be the last.
Maternity and paternity leave gets built into the benefits package for most clergy, but there’s no such thing as aging parent care leave. Honestly, how would you define that kind of leave anyway? There are so many unknowns, especially in terms of how long that care will be necessary.
I am fortunate to have a co-pastor who has graciously taken on extra preaching and other of my pastor roles when needed. We both have parents in similar stages of life, so I’m sure I’ll need to return the favor. I also have brothers who live closer to my parents, but being the only daughter means, in our case, that my parents rely on me as “the responsible one,” even though I’m several hours away.
There are lessons I’m learning as I experience this life stage. Here are some of them – perhaps they will help others who find themselves in the same place:
Cherish this time. Say the things you always meant to say but never did – the thank-yous, the “I love yous,” the memories of meaningful life experiences.
It might be easier just to make all the decisions for them, but your parents still want to be a part of the process. Respect is still important.
Have the conversations with your parents about what they want for their memorial service – the scriptures, the songs, the person who will officiate, who will give the eulogy. Listen to their stories – how they want to be remembered.
Be willing to ask for help. Your clergy friends will step in if needed. Your congregation will understand if you need to be away. Others have been through this and will know the questions you need to be asking.
Your emotions will overwhelm you at times. It’s okay. Your vulnerability will give permission for others to be vulnerable when they need to be. Being real is a good thing.
You will be a better pastor because of this experience. You will understand those in your faith community who are at the same stage of life as your parents. You will be a support for those whose parents are there too.
You will have a better handle on your own mortality. Be aware of the decisions about your own life you need to be making now, so that those who will care for you won’t have to make them for you, or at least will understand what needs to be done.
Be honest about the questions of faith and end of life. Be ready to say, “I don’t know, but here’s what I think might be true.” Lean on your understanding of God as love and full of grace.
It’s okay to grieve the losses that are part of the process and to celebrate the journey that is a part of dying well.
Take the time just to be. Experience God’s presence with you. You are not alone.
Prayers are appreciated for the days ahead – for me and our clergy colleagues as we navigate this life stage.