Eight Responses to Leader-Blame
Mark Tidsworth, Team Leader
It’s not surprising. During times of chaotic culture churning, people are unsure of their footing as they journey through life. This unsteadiness brings a chronic low-level anxiety which is always there, not to mention the on-going grief accompanying social distancing.
This is the perfect context for defense mechanisms like displacement to ramp-up. Displacement is when we have strong emotional reactions, yet mistakenly direct our responses to something or someone else. The old classic familiar description is the guy being unfairly criticized by a supervisor at work followed by kicking the dog when he arrives home. Obviously, the dog had nothing to do with the work experience, yet is a more acceptable target for this guy’s anger according to his unconscious assessment.
So, does it surprise you that those in church leadership are attractive targets for the unconscious defense mechanisms of people in the congregation? We Americans are fascinated by leadership, expecting great things from our leaders. When we are in times like these; when it’s difficult to identify the focus of our grief, anxiety, and stress, then we often displace those feelings on the most convenient targets. Since we are sequestered with our family members, we sometimes spare them, blaming our pastors, church staff, and lay leaders instead. No one (in their right mind) means to displace these feelings onto leaders with displacement being nearly 100 percent unconscious. In addition, displacement works the other direction too. Plenty of church leaders digress into the habit of blaming their people for their personal, relational, or vocational disappointments (another kind of displacement deserving its own full article).
How do church leaders know when the defense mechanism of displacement comes their way? Here are a few clues:
The level of anger and irritation expressed toward leaders far exceeds the situation or topic of discussion
Rather than staying with the problem or situation at hand, people attack leaders as persons
Excessive, over-the-top criticism
Unusual negative behavior from people who are normally not that way
Blame for situations in which your are not involved
Okay, most of us in leadership recognize these experiences. What might we do with them?
Recognize the influence of our current chaotic context; helping you make sense of what’s happening.
Recognize emotional displacement focused on leaders comes with the territory. No, it’s not fair and no you don’t deserve it. But, recognize and accept it you must. Since displacement onto leadership comes with the territory, consider your strategies for relating to displacement.
Recognize and accept that you don’t have to accept anyone else’s version of reality. You are you and you get to decide how you will interpret events. Don’t give away your personal power unnecessarily.
Recognize that people aren’t at their best right now, responding with grace, allowing much displacement to roll off like water on a duck’s back. Perhaps this is the most common and helpful leadership response to displacement during crazy times; giving grace.
Recognize there are times when you must clearly reject displacement. Pastors, church staff persons, and lay leaders need warm hearts AND strong backbones, rejecting mistruths about themselves…in a spirit of love. Church leaders are not called to be church doormats.
Recognize there may be some truth in the displacement, looking for the learning and growth opportunities therein, rejecting excessive defensiveness and embracing humility.
Recognize you don’t have to carry another’s emotional self. There are some people with undeveloped selves who are looking for another to take them on as a project; carrying their emotional load. Church leaders don’t have to accept emotional hitchhikers.
Recognize this may be an opportunity to invite another to spiritual and emotional growth. We are called to the renewing of our minds as part of our discipleship. This means we are in a transformation and growth process until our dying days. Sensitive and skilled church leaders might invite another to further conversation when the time is right.
Just to avoid confusion, we are not describing deserved criticism (that’s another completely different article). Displacement is taking our unpleasant emotions and handing them to someone uninvolved in the situation wherein those emotions arose. As disciples of Jesus Christ, our aim is to grow and mature, becoming God’s workmanship as we journey along. To that end, may we take responsibility for ourselves, avoiding displacing our emotions onto leaders and managing displacement well when it comes our way as leaders.