How Does My Congregation Know They Are Loved?

Doug Cushing, Associate

A few weeks ago, while attending a two-day retreat with my Pinnacle Leadership colleagues, Team Leader Mark Tidsworth made this statement during a presentation: “Congregations are poised for change when they know their pastors love them.” That quote piqued my curiosity. As a church-planter, I am called to lead the emerging new congregation I planted through various changes and paradigm shifts. In fact, leading a new congregation through changes in church-size as well as changes in mission and vision are central to the vocation of a church planter.

Additionally, according to a personality inventory Pinnacle Leadership regularly uses called PeopleMap Inventory, I am a Leader Type. One of the characteristics of Leader Types is that they ‘value their job and results over people.’ So, I was vexed by the question of whether or not the people I serve and lead know that they are loved.

In fact, a flurry of questions filled my mind. Questions like: How, exactly, does a congregation KNOW that their pastor loves them? How does a pastor express love to her or his congregation in authentic ways that maintain healthy boundaries? When does a pastor know that his or her congregation realizes that they are loved?

The more those questions rolled around in my brain, the more I realized how neglected those questions are in seminary and congregational conversations as well as literature focusing on pastoral leadership. That said, I decided to turn to a wise and trusted retired colleague who is part of the new church I currently serve.

Our conversation didn’t yield ‘six signs your congregation knows they are loved,’ but our conversation has provided some trajectories for me to consider as I engage the question: How, exactly, does a congregation KNOW that their pastor loves them. I share these trajectories with you, with the hope that you might use these to shape your internal dialogue and, perhaps, your congregational engagement on this subject.

Trajectory #1: Healthy love for a congregation is expressed within a rhythm of pastoral duties that wax and wain over an extended period of time. Pastors have seasons when pastoral care demands are heavy and their ability to demonstrate loving care to their congregations is easy and obvious. Alternatively, pastors have seasons of vision casting and strategic planning when demonstrable acts of love might be eclipsed by demands to lead, facilitate or even challenge the congregation and its leaders. Healthy love for a congregation must be assessed over an extended period of time.

Trajectory #2: People in our congregations have different needs. Some members want their pastor to lead while others need their pastor to shepherd. Answering whether or not a congregation knows they are loved by their pastor requires looking at the entire congregation rather than just a few siren voices of complaint or small sample of folks who offer feedback during an annual review. Pastors demonstrate love in different ways to different people who have different expectations for them.

Trajectory #3: How do new visitors and/or new members describe the congregation? Recently, someone who joined our new church said: “We knew we found our church home the moment we walked in. There was such a feeling of welcome.” When visitors experience a warm, caring welcome; when they feel the tangible love and hospitality of the Lord - they are experiencing the culture (the DNA of the congregation). This culture is cultivated when pastor and congregation embody the love and grace of Jesus Christ in healthy and generative ways. So, look at the DNA of the congregation, especially as it relates to how the congregation engages those who visit during worship. Listen to how visitors describe their first experience within the congregation.

Trajectory #4: What motivates and drives the mission and ministry of the congregation? My colleague pointed out to me that we had a robust and ongoing outreach to our neighbors and our city after a recent hurricane devastated our town. It was suggested that the reason the congregation and I worked so well together was because we shared similar assumptions about how the love of Jesus compels us to care for those who suffer. Additionally, it was suggested that when congregation and pastor embody the self-emptying love of Jesus in mission, that love reflects the love they have one for another.

Trajectory #5: How do the pastor and congregation respond during times of stress, anxiety and conflict. It’s important to note how congregations respond during conflict or stress. When tension is high in the system, do congregants leave or do they stay? When there is a conflict within the system, do congregants seek healthy ways to resolve the conflict (especially if it involves the pastor) or do they flee. To stay in a congregation during times of stress or conflict says something about the love that is expressed and embodied in the system.

How does a congregation KNOW that they are loved by their pastor? This is a much-neglected question and further discussion is needed. Perhaps these initial trajectories will help you engage this important topic.