How to Disagree Better in Polarizing Times
by Doug Cushing
By the time you read this article, America will have elected a new President. We may not know which candidate will be occupying the Oval Office for some time, but the election is over. However, the fallout from this rough and tumble campaign remains. We are still a very polarized nation. That deep divide is felt in our families, our neighborhoods and our churches. So, while the election is over, the issues that polarize us remain.
How can pastors and lay leaders successfully navigate through these contentious times? How can congregations stay together, even while acknowledging very different points of view on political and cultural issues? One answer is to learn how to disagree, better.
In my work to learn more about leading a Purple Church, I stumbled onto to a very helpful book titled: Love Your Enemies: How Decent People Can Save America From the Culture of Contempt. In his book, Arthur Brooks provides his readers with a list, a set of best practices, for how to disagree better.1 What follows are some of the suggestions offered by Arthur Books along with a few additional ideas I’ve gleaned from my research study of The Purple Church.
Lesson One: Commit to Better Disagreements.
Our tendency is to stay cloistered in echo chambers or just not talk about substantive but contentious issues. Find friends or folks in your congregation who you can have political disagreements with and practice disagreeing. Use the tips below to guide your conversations. If you can’t find those people go outside your circle of friends. But, by all means, avoid impersonal options like Facebook.
2. Lesson Two: Don’t’ Attack, Insult or Try to Win
Remember this: You can’t win an argument. The choice is simple. You either lose the argument or you triumph and hurt the other’s pride. The point of disagreement is not to win but to draw us together, make us better or to test one’s point of view to find better solutions.
Remember: Nobody is insulted into agreement. Avoid referring to those who disagree with you in derogatory language or cultural stereotypes. Research shows insults intensify people’s opposition. So, call yourself and others out when insults become part of the disagreement!
3. Lesson Three: Never Assume the Motives of Another Person
For example, it’s not helpful to assume that your Progressive-leaning friend wants to keep poor people dependent so they vote Democratic or that your Conservative-leaning friend wants tax breaks for their wealthy friends. Instead, take arguments at face value – and don’t pretend to understand motives.
4. Lesson Four: Use Values As Gift Not Weapon
Examples of weaponizing values are when someone says: “Liberals hate America,” or “Conservatives care more about guns than children.” This never helps!
5. Lesson Five: Listen, Restate, Don’t Interrupt.
There is nothing that says “I’m really not listening” or “I don’t care,” quite as blatantly as when we interrupt someone or try to talk over them. When disagreeing with someone in your congregation try to live by the rule that when one person is done speaking the other has to restate before moving on.
6. Lesson Six: Use “I feel” and “I think” statements instead of “You are” statements. When we begin a disagreement by saying: “You are…” we immediately put that person on the defensive and the conversation typically spirals downward rather than in healthy directions. Instead, begin with “I feel,” or “I think.”
In Paul’s letter to the church in Rome, he included these words in chapter 14 that sum up these six lessons on disagreeing better. Paul wrote: “So then we pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another.” (Romans 14:19)
1 Arthur Brooks: Love Your Enemies: How Decent People Can Save America From the Culture of Contempt. (New York: Broadside Books), March 2019, see chapter 8 titled: “Please Disagree With Me.”