Lost Childhood Messages

by Rev. Rhonda Abbott Blevins, DMIN

Author’s note: This article is part of a series entitled “Enneagram 101.”

Previous Post: “Enneagram Centers of Intelligence”

As I speak with people about the Enneagram, a recurring question is: “How is the Enneagram similar to or different than [name of personality inventory]?” The short answer to that question is this: most personality inventories seek to measure behavior; the Enneagram measures behavior but also identifies the motivations underneath our behavioral patterns that eventually become our personality.

These behavioral patterns are developed early on, in our formative years. Naturally we express our personalities differently as we age and mature and find ourselves in new situations. Enneagram theory suggests, however, that our core personality is set at an early age, and that our primary motivations, and therefore our core personality, remains constant throughout our lives.

As young children, each of us had developmental needs. Unmet needs became “gaps” in our formation; the “gaps” made us lose touch with wholeness, with oneness, with divinity. Our personality formed to compensate for these gaps as we searched for the missing piece. Personality is a defense mechanism, built to protect the vulnerable child within. Don Riso and Russ Hudson suggest that personality is like a cast to protect a broken arm or leg. It’s helpful to promote original healing, but if we never take it off, it gets in the way of our growth and development. Not to mention, it would be quite uncomfortable as well.

With that, it’s helpful to know what shape those developmental gaps took in early childhood. Riso and Hudson suggest that for each Enneagram type, there is a “lost childhood message,” around which the personality formed. Other Enneagram teachers frame this as the “wounding message.”

The lost childhood messages are what we desperately needed to hear as small children but didn’t (or couldn’t) hear. Maybe it’s because our caregivers never communicated this lost message, or perhaps we were blocked from hearing it for some reason.

As you read these lost childhood messages, I invite you to do so with a measure of self-compassion for the younger you still within.

LOST CHILDHOOD MESSAGES FOR EACH TYPE

The lost childhood message for type One individuals? “You are good.” The personality/defense mechanism, then, for type Ones is to be good, to do good, to expect good and fight for good things.

For type Two, the lost childhood message was, “You are wanted.” Young type Twos discover they can earn affection through being helpful and tending to another’s needs.

The lost childhood message for type Three was: “You are loved for yourself.” Young Threes believed they had to achieve great things in order to earn the love they craved.

With type Four, the lost childhood message was: “You are seen for who you are.” Fours, then, long to be seen, expressing themselves in unique and original ways.

The lost childhood message for type Five? “Your needs are not a problem.” The type Five personality minimizes needs, so as not to be a problem or a nuisance.

For type Six, the lost childhood message was, “You are safe.” This manifests as anxiety and fear, the core emotion for Sixes. Sixes spend their lives trying to find safety and security.

For type Sevens, the lost childhood message was, “You will be taken care of.” This early wounding prompted the Seven’s interest in new and varied experiences as the seven sought nurturance beyond the caregiver.

The lost childhood message for type Eight was “You will not be betrayed.” Type Eight individuals felt the need to grow up quickly and mask vulnerability through a display of strength.

Finally, the lost childhood message for type Nine was, “Your presence matters.” Young Nines found it difficult to differentiate from those close to them, which manifests as the “merging” so characteristic of grown-up Nines.

That’s a brief synopsis of the nine “lost childhood messages” of the Enneagram.

What message did you most need to hear as a child? What thoughts, feelings or physical sensations arise in you upon reading them now?

You are good.

You are wanted.

You are loved for yourself.

You are seen for who you are.

Your needs are not a problem.

You are safe.

You will be taken care of.

You will not be betrayed.

Your presence matters.

No one gets through childhood without some wounds. I hope that, in discovering your lost childhood message, you grow in self-awareness and find greater self-compassion as well.

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